Grandparents & Grief— 3 Truths to Help Your Journey
As Foreknown continues to help more people, we’ve become increasingly aware of a generation of people who have struggled with loss silently. Grandparents—those parents of moms and dads who are currently going through a pregnancy loss—can also go through a great deal of pain losing a grandchild.
We’re here to help add hope to people after loss. We’re not counselors, so if you find yourself in a place where losing a grandchild is deeply impacting your life, we suggest that you connect with a certified Christian counselor. This article is written to help you with a wide range of emotions that you may feel about losing a grandchild, but Jesus really is the best source for you to spend time with and ask to help, both in your journey and theirs.
This Stinks
It’s prudent to begin with the simple fact that pregnancy loss stinks. Frankly, that’s probably not a strong enough word. Pain isn’t part of anybody’s plan, especially when it comes to something as beautiful as children. Many of you have been waiting and wanting a grandchild for a long time.
“Children’s children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children.” Proverbs 17:6
It’s important to note your feelings when it comes to your desire to become a grandparent. Spend time in prayer, asking God to both reveal your feelings and to ask Jesus to be with you in the disappointment of loss. Being real with Jesus will allow you to understand where you are and how to hold loosely to the differences between your desires and your feelings.
My next sentence was going to be, “Make sure you and your spouse connect about these desires and work through them together.” Can I be honest with you? The current generation of grandparents may not have had the best modeling when it comes to open and fourthright communication amongst themselves, especially in pregnancy loss. It’s important to take inventory of you and your spouse’s relationship pertaining to communication and try to discuss this matter together. If the pregnancy loss pains you, share it with your spouse. If they dismiss it, what a great opportunity for you both to keep growing in your relationship and understanding of each other’s needs.
But what if this loss reminds you of a previous loss you’ve experienced yourself?
If you had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss yourself, there’s a high probability you did so silently. We recently received an email from a grandparent who shared “Back then, if you told someone you had a miscarriage, they would say “Sorry, are you going to keep trying?”. It was a silent grief, which I guess we buried." Your pain may be resurfacing as you hear about your child’s pregnancy loss. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you are unhealthy, but it is a great place to allow the Holy Spirit to minister to your previous pain. It’s yet another place for you and your spouse to grow in trust and communication together.
It’s important to know and understand your heart and what you’re bringing to the table when it comes to your relationship with Jesus, pain, and your child as they go through a pregnancy loss. You’re in a delicate season that, if not handled properly, could compound their pain, affect their healing, and cause familial tension. Everybody has a foundation that they bring into hard situations, so make sure your previous hurts aren’t overshadowing your advice or care.
Their Loss, Their Pain, Their Family
When my wife and I lost our first child to miscarriage, we were wrecked and wanted others to fix the pain. We looked at outside influences, including our parents, to help provide advice to help with the pain. We were looking for hope. We welcomed hope. We wanted hope.
Give hope, but encourage them to find their answer to this problem together.
‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Matthew 19:5-6
God has plans for their family. Encourage them to seek the answers to this situation together. This is your role in supporting them. They may ask for your opinion or advice, but your role should be to encourage them to have communication, dialogue, and togetherness in healing. Any advice that’s anti-biblical or pits one against another, especially in pain, should be off the table. It’s not helpful, and it’s not supportive. This could be the first (of many) situations where they need to come together and find out their plan together. Push them to that; don’t try to fix the situation.
Dads, this goes double for you. Your son-in-law needs your support and your love, not to jump in and fix it. It’ll hurt him deeply if you come and “save the day.” He has to learn how to care for, protect, and cherish your daughter. He can’t do that if you’re her go-to source for all things. (Thankfully, my father-in-law was gracious and helped me through prayer, support and asking leading and caring questions.)
One of the hardest things for us humans to keep straight are all the lies and half-truths when we are at our best, but when in grief, we latch onto anything that looks like a lifeline. Sometimes those cause short-term damage or long-term pain. Use Scripture as your guide to help your child in their grief, not necessarily your own experiences. You can be a prayer covering, an encourager, and a mentor to your children during this time, but tread lightly. Grief can cause problems because you’re not thinking clearly, want pain to stop, and are desperately seeking the magic solution to all the pain. Encourage them to follow Jesus. He is the way to heal, and they need him to help. Jesus is working in their lives during this painful season, just as He is yours.
You lost too…
You wanted this just like they did. Grandparents are a gift, and there’s something special about the grandchild-granparent relationship. Spend time with your grief. Connect with Scripture, prayer, and community. Cry out to God, ask why, and process through the loss just as you would losing yourself, because you did lose too.
It’s difficult to sit by in pain, desperately wanting to protect your children. Pray that God can give you the strength to be patient, to be with them, and to lead them through their healing journey.
For some, they want to know practical steps to help their children on their pregnancy loss journey. We started Foreknown because we didn’t find Christ-based, hope-filled resources that pushed our marriages together and allowed us to heal through the pain. Trust us, it’s a process, but one that we deeply feel called to help all people through.
Steps to Take
Here are three practical ways you can help their healing through Foreknown:
Sponsor her the Your Journey to Joy Course
We wanted to be able to help women 24/7/365 in their grief, so we took the best and most impactful parts of our intensive healing retreats and packaged them into our 7-Lesson Your Journey to Joy Course. We accompany the course with a workbook so they can process their pain as well as a 30-Day Devotional. If they are wanting to start a healing journey, sponsor the course for them.
Sponsor them at a Retreat or Coaching
Our weekend retreats offer a deeply personal and immersive experience in beautiful Colorado Springs for women, men, and couples. Check out our events page to learn more about our schedule.
If you don’t want them to wait, you can sponsor them for one-on-one or couple’s coaching. We sit with them and help them towards a path of healing and a future filled with tools to overcome pregnancy loss while building on a solid foundation of faith and communication.
Tell Them About Foreknown
People ask “Where do I go from here?” after losing a child, and we created this digital download to help them start down a path towards healing.
Your pain and grief matter; you need to know that. There’s no way we could unpack all the feelings and emotions of a painful season of pregnancy loss, but we hope that this gives you both insight into the importance of your pain and your purpose and role in providing cover and support for your children during a time of need. We suggest connecting with close friends, having open conversations, seeking time in prayer, and turning to the Scriptures to help guide you through your thoughts and emotions while you’re processing your pain, their pain, and the hurt that comes with loss.
A healthier you can really speak volumes to your children. Think more as a mentor and less as a protector. Coaches ask great questions and stand back as the player tries and tries again. They jump in if they are close to hurting themselves or totally off track. Trust in Jesus and His work in their lives and yours.
Where Do I Go From Here?
The 5 things you need to know after losing a child.
Get the Guide & Start Healing Today
