Four Real Ways to Help Your Wife Through Pregnancy Loss

Whether you and your wife are walking through a miscarriage or stillbirth, the leadership and support that you provide your wife right now will either tear you apart or push you together. That may sound overly dramatic, but you're in a dangerous season. If you had a miscarriage, you're 20% more likely to get a divorce than parents that had a healthy baby. If you had a stillbirth, that stat jumps to 40%! If you don't process and look at this season as a potential "big deal" in your marriage, you're missing something.

You can't fix this. Nothing you can do can bring back your child, make the pain go away, stop her grief, or make "it" better. Know that. Men have a "fix-it" mentality, and that's a helpless place to be. Hear this: you must give your wife space to grieve., no matter the time. As men, we didn't have a connection to the child as our wives did. How could we, it wasn't growing inside us? We didn't have to change our diet, worry about our body, or give up anything to nurture a child within us. Sure, we can eliminate or replace parts of our diet or environment to help out, but nothing compares to the 24/7 perpetual worry and blessing that goes into "making" a child.

When Jono Brown and I presented at the 2019 For You Are Known Retreat, I remember a lady asking pointedly, "Yes, but what do I tell my husband today when I get home on how he needs to help me through this?" She was upset, and nothing conceptual would do. Therefore, we wanted to compile this list of practical ways you can navigate pregnancy loss together. In time, we will expand on each of our four sections to continue to offer practical advice for men and women.

1. Cover Your Wife in Prayer

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God's gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered. - 1 Peter 3:7 (NLT)

We simply don't pray enough, especially in a season of grief. The above scripture could be a blog post all in itself in how we are called to honor our wives (in all times, might I add), empathize with your wife, and what she's going through, but remember that if she hurts, you hurt. You're together in this valley, and you need to support and pray for her. May I suggest:

• Pray for her to grow in intimacy with the Lord.

• Pray for the peace that passes all understanding.

• Pray for closeness to you as her husband and partner in this journey.

2. Share with Your Wife

Bear one another burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.- Galatians 6:2

You're going to have to open up. You're going to have to tell her what you're experiencing. You're going to have to tell her how and what you feel. I know the words "men" and "feel" are usually in the same sentence, but you simply must share with your wife your feelings during this time.

For some men, sharing your feelings with your wife may be simple. You may have a relationship with her that allows you to share with her all the time. But through a traumatic life event, you may not even know what you're feeling. I know that my wife would ask me how I was feeling after our son's stillbirth, and honestly, I didn't know. Some days I was sad. Some days I was angry. Some days I was just going through the motions - emotionless. I didn't have any more to give to processing what I (and we) were going through. As you go through this season, think about how you are feeling and be able to share with your wife.

Think about these questions: How are you doing? How was your day? How are you feeling? What are you feeling? Are you okay? None of these questions will get you to answer them. Some days you may have a ton to share and others you maybe just trying to get through it. I encourage you to ask more specific questions? What was one good thing that happened today? What was one hard thing today? What can I do to serve you today? Is there anything that I can do to help you today? HOW CAN I PRAY FOR YOU TODAY?

The right questions will allow you to check-in with your wife, BUT it will really, really, really help your wife know that you're on board and trying to help her, committed to her, and wanting her to heal.

3. Seek Your Wife

"For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." - Ephesians 5:31

"This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man." - Genesis 2:23

If you don't know your wife's Love Language, don't try to figure it out now. Pray and ask God to show you or ask one of her girlfriends. You need to know what will make her feel loved and cared for. Here's an actual activity for each Love Language:

• Words of Affirmation

  • Complement her, encourage her, write little notes of affirmation and love for her, often. Shoot her a text mid-day and tell her how much you love her. Break into her office (if she has one) and change her screensaver to a prayer for her (okay, don't do that).

• Acts of Service

  • Take out the trash, wash her car, bring her lunch, pray with her, pick up around the house.

• Receiving Gifts

  • We had an excellent ministry visit us in our hospital room, and they created some cool keepsakes with our son's feet and hands. You could get her a cool quote that speaks to her and encourages her (Hobby Lobby), or you could get her e necklace that has your child's name on it. Google it. There's a lot.

• Quality Time

  • This one is a no-brainer, even if quality time isn't her top Love Language. I recommend that you free up your schedule for at least the first month after a stillbirth (if not longer) and at least three weeks after a miscarriage. We simply need to be there and to be present with our wives in this critical time. Make date nights a regular thing. Unplug together for at least an hour in the morning and evening. Talk. Cry. Process.

• Physical Touch

  • Just hold her. Be there with her. Hold her hand while you drive. Give her a back massage that doesn't lead anywhere (ahem). Kiss her. Affirm her. Hug her. Hold her.

Seeking your wife depends on her need specifically, but a great way that I pursued my wife was to getaway. We wanted quality time together. We have friends that we loved, and we went to visit them. We got out and away and spent some quality time together in the car driving through Kansas. This time allowed us to process, to talk, to spend quality time, to hold hands, and to be present.

4. Serve Your Wife

As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God. - 1 Peter 4:10

I know "Acts of Service" is already mentioned above, but if there was a time for you to step up and to serve your wife, it's now. Jesus did this over and over again, and there's not a better way to be Christ-like than to help her. Practically, this looks different in your marriage, but think about doing some things like:

• Go grocery shopping for your family

• Take her out to dinner (without other kids if you have them)

• Make sure her car is always full of gas

• Rub her back

• Cook her dinner and then do the dishes

Know that you're not alone in this. If you need more ideas, reach out. We're here to walk through this with you. While answers are hard to find right now, Jesus wants you to stay together and hasn't left you. That's our heart as well. To keep this all together, you have to keep it together! Let your wife grieve. You're going to heal faster, especially if you decided to walk through grief and not around it. Check out this helpful post on how to do just that.

As always, leave us some comments below if you have any questions or something inside this post speaks to you and you want to share it with other people.

Be blessed, friends.

Ryan