Through, Not Around
“Even when I go through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff—they comfort me.”
Shortly after losing our son, I remember meeting with our pastor and because of our relationship, he knew that I’m the kind of guy that would want to walk around a valley instead of through it. He knows that I’d rather “fill” my life with busyness than walk through the pain and grief that comes in a loss. Even though It took me some time, I’m glad I eventually did walk through the valley. God blesses us in the valley. He walks with us and cares for us and teaches us some special lessons that are meant to teach us more about Him and His love for us. Lessons that can only be learned in the valley.
I’m reminded of Joseph in the Bible. This guy has more ups and downs than anybody!
His father loves him more than any of the other children, so his brothers sell him into slavery. (Read Genesis 37)
His master entrusts him with everything, but his master’s wife tried to seduce him, he escapes but his master throws him into prison. (Genesis 39)
In prison, Joseph interprets the butler and baker's dreams and they forget to remember him. (Genesis 40)
Two years later, Joseph walks Pharaoh through his dreams and is given authority over everything. (Genesis 41)
And on and on (Read more about Joseph through the end of Genesis. There’s a lot of great stuff there).
“The LORD was with Joseph and he was a successful man; he was in the house of his master the Egyptian. And his master saw that the LORD was with him and that the LORD made all that he did to prosper in his hand.”
When we go through so many mountain tops and valleys, Joseph shows us how to keep going despite the circumstances. He keeps walking through valleys. (You could also check out Daniel’s life too. I don’t know about you, but being in a lion’s den doesn’t sound awesome, especially when what put you there was praying and worshipping the LORD.)
Walk
Joesph kept on walking and doing what God had gifted him to do in each situation. Joseph never sat back and sulked, but kept on going in each situation. We need to keep serving our families when we are in difficult circumstances. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t grieve, please don’t hear that. But you have the potential to “heal” faster than your wife in grief. Please, use this time to keep on supporting your wife for however long she needs to heal.
When you need the space to grieve (and everyone does), you must take steps of faith to heal. I recommend:
Praying: We often don’t pray enough, especially when we are mad or frustrated at God for whatever reason. Commit to spending time daily confessing your pain and hurts and questions to God. He’s the only one with real comfort and can take anything that you want to throw at Him.
Journaling: MAN, I wish I would have stuck to this better in our miscarriages and stillbirths, I’d have more to share with you today! However, I did keep notes on my phone at times about thoughts that I wanted to think and pray through. I encourage you to just write down an idea or two a day to track how you’re doing and the journey God has you on.
Seeking out a mentor: Find another Christ-following friend to spend time with once a week. You need a good brother to vent to about all the stuff that you’re going through. If you don’t have one, shoot us an email and we’ll help you out.
Counseling: Sometimes you need to go visit with a pastor or counselor or attend a program like GriefShare. These are great outlets for you to grow in the processing of your grief by taking active steps to walk through a valley.
Through
“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”
I can promise that this pain that you’re experiencing is temporary. You’re not camping here. You’ll hear the term “the new normal” as in you have to learn to live with this pain forever. This is hard, but it’s crucial, let God handle the burden and ask him to heal you so you don’t have to make this the new normal. I don’t believe the grief and feelings from the loss of your child are what Jesus wants for you to live in daily. He gives us afflictions to remind us of His amazing love for us. Jacob had his hip jacked out of its socket. Paul had a thorn. Both continued to serve the Lord and lead. You can too.
Valleys
“Then a man of God came and spoke to the king of Israel, and said, “Thus says the Lord: ‘Because the Syrians have said, “The Lord is God of the hills, but He is not God of the valleys,” therefore I will deliver all this great multitude into your hand, and you shall know that I am the Lord.’ ” 29 And they encamped opposite each other for seven days. So it was that on the seventh day the battle was joined, and the children of Israel killed one hundred thousand foot soldiers of the Syrians in one day.”
“Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.”
God is the God of both the hills and valleys, He is with you both at the top and bottom. It seems that sometimes when we’re on the top of a mountain, everything is great and we may tend to forget God because we’re on such a high. I wonder how many times God shakes His head because we take credit for stuff that He has done? Gracious athletes thank Him when their team wins or they have a gold medal around their necks.
But when we are in a valley, we tend to yell at God, ask him where He is. Well, He’s right there with you. Jesus was by our side every step of the process of losing our son and He was there with you too. I just didn’t realize it until after the fact. He surrounded us with graceful doctors and nurses. He gave us our Pastor’s love as he followed us home and prayed for us for hours the night we found out. He allowed us tremendous peace in delivery, wrote a eulogy, surrounded us with hundreds of people at a funeral and gifted us with space to grieve as a family for as long as we needed. In all of this, His love looked different than we could anticipate, but He was there.
Friend, you have to walk. You have to go through. Life is filled with mountaintops and valleys, neither of which we are supposed to stay in. Growth happens in the valleys, while the mountaintops often give us hope and vision for where we are going. He’s there in the valley as well as the mountain tops. But I encourage you, whenever the time is right, for you to choose to take a step. Don’t live in the sadness of grief. Jesus came so that we can have hope that we will see our children again.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
