When It’s Your Friend— What to Say and Do

It’s not a matter of “if” but “when” you will have to walk with a friend through pregnancy loss. One in four pregnancies end in a miscarriage, so we wanted to offer you practical suggestions of what to say and do to support a friend. When your friend experiences a miscarriage, there’s a lot of things that you can do and say that can be helpful. But as we can attest, there are some things said that are meant well, but cause unnecessary pain, doubt or hurt. People are weird in grief and sometimes fill the silence that needs to be there with platitudes and sayings that they think will be helpful, but actually, end up being hurtful or sometimes even wrong. 

If you have a friend that’s going through a miscarriage, here are some things to consider. 

Don’t: Martha (too much)
Do: Mary (too much)

In Luke, there is a story of two sisters- Mary and Martha. Mary chooses to sit and be with Jesus while Martha is running around crazy, trying to do “things” while He is there. (Check out Luke 10:38-42.) When a friend experiences a pregnancy loss or a loss of any kind, some people tend to want to sit with them while others tend to want to do things for them.

Now, both are important. When we lost our son, we had friends sit with us and some that did stuff for us, but when people asked us what they could do for us, we never knew the answer. We were in shock. We weren’t thinking about our dogs, the bills, the groceries. So some sat with us, and some did stuff for us.

Now, if you want ideas on what to do, one of the first things that most people think about is setting up a meal train, or food delivery, or whatever you want to call it. Please make sure that yes, somebody does it and owns it. We had a time where there were two running at the same time and another where there was supposed to be one, but it never took off. Somebody owns it and makes it the main thing.

Another practical thing you can do is to set up a Go Fund Me. Anytime there’s a hospital involved, there’s money involved. We were so blessed when somebody did this for us. It’s a practical way that people can support your friends when there’s nothing else to say or do.

Asking what you can do for somebody could come back with practical answers or blank stares. We had a friend show up not with a casserole dish (one of a million) but brought half of Costco to our door. Hand sanitizer, hand soap, paper towels, toilet paper, paper plates, and napkins— the works. She stocked us up with practical things that we may need as she knew people would be coming over and wanting to make sure we were okay. It was something that somebody did for her when she lost a baby, so she did it for us. It was convenient, helpful, and her heart was in the right spot.

We want to encourage you to know your friend well enough to know when to sit and when to do. Both are necessary. Sitting becomes stressful when they want to be alone or with their spouse and process and pray— doing becomes stressful when you’re offering to help too much or pressuring them to come up with something to do. Know how to juggle these two and don’t miss Jesus in the midst.

Don’t: Say these things 

This list could go on and on with the things people say to try to help, but end up hurting in our pregnancy losses. Thing like:

• “God needed another angel” (or any version of the sort). No, we don’t become angels after we die. In Genesis, God made Adam in His image (Genesis 1:26) and the whole plotline of “It’s a Wonderful Life” is cute, but doctrinally inaccurate. We don’t become angels, and He certainly didn’t take your baby to become another one.

• “It just wasn’t their time.” People are trying to use the famous Ecclesiastes 3 scripture, but at the moment, this doesn’t help. Yes, there are seasons; we get that, but hearing that for some reason that my miscarriage wasn’t “their time” hurts more.

• “It’s not a viable pregnancy until 20 weeks.” This one doesn’t help at all. I don’t care what “science” says; I got to see my child’s heartbeat at five weeks. I think that all pregnancies are gifts, and we don’t know the “reason” on this side of eternity as to why a particular miscarriage happened.

Do: Say these things

There isn’t a lot to say during these times. Really. Seriously. Nothing that you say will make it better, bring back a child, or magically make anybody feel better. What you’re trying to do as a supportive friend is to offer comfort, and even scriptures in a difficult time sometimes aren’t helpful. So instead, focus on these sayings:

• I’m sorry. 

• I love you. 

• I’m here.  

• I’m going to… (do this for you instead of “How can I help?”) 

• We’re going to… (do this for you instead of “What can I do?”) 

Don’t: Focus on Why
Do: Focus on Faith

This is so hard. There will probably be a “medical” reason why the child died, but that isn’t the real question they are asking. It’s so hard to reconcile believing in the God of the impossible, and when He doesn’t make it possible, our faith is tested pretty hard. We need to all walk by this faith and not by sight and realize that yes, He is at work in their lives, but now isn’t the time to tell them that. Pray that He continues to be in their lives. 

Don’t: “Pray for them” 
Do: PRAY FOR THEM

“Praying for you guy,” “I’m praying for you,” “You’ll be in my prayers.” Those are great, Christian things that we say to hurt people, but you need to actually pray for them. May we suggest bold prayers, not just for healing, but for intimacy in their marriage, for protection from the evil one for both spouses, for God to show them who He is, or Jesus to comfort them and to show them He loves them. 

Don’t: Let them be lost
Do: Let them know the truth about Jesus

This is what we are all about. When somebody goes through a pregnancy loss, there are a ton of questions and a whole lot of answers that aren’t the main question. The main issue is always a version of “why,” and the answers is usually “Jesus.” People will want to know a million “why’s,” and the answer should always point them back to the love that Jesus has for them. Again, it’s important to say that He didn’t cause this, and we don’t know why He didn’t prevent this. On this side of eternity, we won’t get that answer except through a lot of prayer and introspection and steps of faith. 

Walking with a friend through a miscarriage takes a tremendous amount of time and faith on your part. Please pray for God to show you how to help and what to do in this challenging season. There are so many more things we could add here, and I’m sure you’ve heard some doozies, so leave us a comment below, and we’ll work through them together.