Two Years Since…
It’s been two years since the worst day of my life. Many say that they have had the “worst day of their life” and are being a little dramatic. You see, two years ago, on February 10, I had to wake up (after barely sleeping), drive my wife to the hospital, and walk my wife through delivering our son who we had learned had died just the day before. You could say that I was experiencing the hardest and, in fact, the worst day of my life the day after my son got to experience the best day of his.
When I look back at that one day, 730 days have passed, allowing me to process, pray, read, cry, learn, and process some more. Frankly, I’m totally in awe that I survived the heaping pile of grief that I was served that day. I’m surprised my wife survived the excruciating pain, suffering, and even the extra time to carry him after knowing of his death. I’m amazed that my daughter (who was five at the time) remembers her brother, continues to process herself, and isn’t a total mess. I’m continually surprised at how Jesus has walked with us through the healing, the hurt, sometimes the blame and continues to sit with us when we are weak. That’s what a loving Father does.
Our family is a worship family. Kelsi and Kennedy both have this fantastic gift where they can hear a song once, and then it’s locked in; the lyrics, the key, the pitch. They are good to go. Kelsi serves on our worship team at church and gets to lead people in worship to our King. It’s powerful to see, especially when I know she’s having a hard day, she can put aside herself for the sake of leading others. It’s so amazing, selfless, and I’m in awe that she can do it.
“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy.”
I remember a story looking back at the last two years when Kelsi decided it was time to go back on stage in front of our church family and proclaim that Jesus is good. To watch this incredible woman of God choose to worship after such a hard loss had me in tears. It had so many of our church family in tears. I’m sure that worship was received wholeheartedly by Jesus that day as He was saying, “sit tight, sweet child and watch what I can do through you.” If there’s a highlight reel of our lives in heaven for days that we made Jesus joyous, I bet that day is on hers.
You see, worshiping after loss is incredibly hard. I hate crying in public, but if you can’t do it at church, to your King, then there’s a block somewhere. If you’re worried about the other people around you, cut it out. If you can’t cry at church, then you either have the wrong friends, are at the wrong church, or are distracted and not giving Jesus all that is due. The ability to worship Jesus in the middle of a difficult situation brings comfort and peace to your spirit that you desperately need. I know I’ve experienced it. When we praise the Lord in worship, we take the focus off of ourself, what we are going through, what we are living, what we are experiencing and refocus our attention on the One who made us, Who can help us, Who deserves to be worshipped and Who, ultimately can heal us.
Look, if you don’t know Jesus, it’s tough for you to understand praising somebody else while you, yourself are walking through such pain. But I have to tell you that Jesus is the only way that Kelsi or I or Kennedy have made it through the past two years. We’re finally getting to the top of the hole, seeing the light and reaching a place of healing. What’s crazy is that it will take the rest of our lives to heal, but because we know Jesus, at the end of our life, we get to be with Him and our son. Walking day-by-day in that healing is hard, but eternity is a long time to redeem the time lost between now and then.
So after two years, you know what has kept me from losing it? Jesus. Do you know who has provided for my family? Jesus. Do you know where my son is? With Jesus. Who walked with us the most in our grief? Jesus. The answer to my problems? Jesus. It took me going through the worst day to determine that the best outcome only comes from one place, and that’s anywhere with Jesus.
If you want to learn more about Jesus, let’s talk. I want to hear your story, who you are, what you’ve been through, and tell you about the One who can make it all better. Trust me; there isn’t anybody else. Not your spouse, your family, your friends, your co-workers, your pastor even, only Jesus is the way to heal. Please send me an email and let’s connect.
God bless,
Ryan
