Ava Grace
“It was a cold January afternoon when I showed up to my 37 week prenatal appointment where my doctor struggled to find my daughter’s heartbeat. I could see the stress on his face as I began to panic and realize I had not felt her move that day. I moved to the ultrasound room where the technician quickly got the equipment ready. I stared at her face, too nervous to look at the screen, and saw tears roll down her cheeks as she whispered the dreaded words, “I am so sorry.” My husband and I later drove to the hospital, and I truly just did not want to live in that moment. I thought I was not cut out to be a mother, I told myself I must have had no “motherly intuition.” I wondered in that moment if this was God’s way of telling me I wasn’t meant for this.”
“When I was in labor, my nurse asked me what I needed, and all I could think to tell her was that I didn’t have my Bible and I really needed one. She told me she happened to have a brand new Bible in her car. She went out and got it and gave it to me to keep. It was in that moment I remember thinking, “OK God, you are making it clear that you are here.” My husband and I took turns reading the Bible, praying, and crying until 12 hours later when it was time to deliver our daughter. Ava was born on January 5, 2016 at 6:05am. 7 lbs 14 oz, 19.5 in long. I will never forget her thin, feather-like red hair that glowed in the sun when it was shining into our room later that morning. The nurse stamped her footprints and handprints into the inside cover of Bible she had given me earlier, and we spent time holding her and telling her how much we loved her before her body started to change and it was time to give her away. What I left with was the gift of a mother’s love. I learned that love does not depend on how many breaths your child took, it does not need reciprocation, and it does not waver in the darkest nights of grief. I have carried this love with me every single day since and it changed my life. I have grown more quiet, less opinionated, and slower to judge. I have seen life for the miracle that it truly is, and it has made me a more present mom with the kids I have now.”
“I later found out Ava died from a velamentous cord insertion. A rare complication where the umbilical cord does not connect correctly to the placenta. It is usually caught by ultrasound, but her’s was not. People will ask me if I am angry over it, but I am not. I choose to believe the Lord knew the number of days she was going to live and I have Him to comfort me. It is thought babies with this complication are usually miscarried, and I just feel so blessed the Lord gave me 37 weeks to know my daughter and the opportunity to meet her.”
“8 years later, the memories and photos I have of my daughter bring me such deep joy. I have had more children and I spend a lot of mornings reading to them from my Bible, the same one the nurse gave me the day Ava was born. Some of the pages are still wrinkled from all the tears I cried that day over it. It is a reminder to me that God has given me all my emotions and that my children are all connected in a beautiful way only God could have planned.”
“What keeps me going is knowing the miracle of eternity. Knowing that my daughter will be there and what happened on earth will no longer matter. For many years, I didn’t share my story. I have recently become more open in the last few years to push back against the stigma of pregnancy loss.”
Lovingly written by Celia, mom to Ava Grace
