What do I do about Father’s Day after losing a baby?

Father’s Day is upon us and many men will be waking up Sunday ready to dawn crisp, white New Balance shoes, fire up the grill, and act happy when they get a new neck tie. Just kidding, that’s totally not how I am, and I haven’t worn a tie in 10 years.

When you lose a child, Father’s Day has a certain degree of pain associated with it. On a coaching call today, I had a great guy ask, “What do I do about Sunday (Father’s Day)?” Great question, and one that may be looming over you if you’ve recently gone through loss. Here are some very practical things for you to consider heading into Father’s Day after a loss. 

Take The Day

Mother’s Day and Father’s Day for men and women who have lost children in miscarriage, stillbirth, pregnancy or infant loss are incredibly hard, especially if you don’t have any other children. There’s a certain degree of imposter syndrome one experiences those first holidays, especially when people at church celebrate moms and dad. Are you supposed to stand up when they recognize all the dads in the audience? Are you supposed to say “thank you?”

Many women who go through pregnancy loss skip church alltogether on Mother’s Day for this reason alone. While I would hate for you to miss out on what God could show you on Father’s Day, use discernment if you can or should go to church (or, frankly, family outings full of kids). It could be a hard day. You may need to simply take the day with your wife and be together. You may want to be with other people. Only you know how you’re going to react, so lean into that and communicate ahead of time (if possible) with your wife what you’re wanting to do.

Time Doesn’t Define Fatherhood

Are you a Father? What a loaded question many men wrestle with after losing a child! What is a father? Does the time the child was in my wife’s womb count? How do I feel about all that stuff?

Let me ask you this: Let’s say a couple loses their 12-year-old child. Was that man a father? Would you expect him to stand up when they recognize fathers? I hope he would, because he spent 12 years with his child. How is that any different if you lost a child in a miscarriage? Were you already dreaming about interactions with your child? Were you selfishly loving your wife and supporting her pregnancy? Were you leaning in and starting to get excited? I say that those are all signs of your heart growing to care for your family as a father should. Just because you can’t hold your child in your arms doesn’t mean they don’t exist. It certainly doesn’t mean you don’t care. Celebrate with those fathers because, my friend, you are one.

Change Your Perspective

I’m not trying to over-spiritualize Father’s Day, but we do have a heavenly Father who deeply loves you. He also knows where your children are—in heaven with Him! When you’re struggling with the pain of Father’s Day, turn to Jesus, who says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30). It’s through Jesus that we can have access to God and an eternal outlook on the temporary pain of loss. We will be reunited with our kids again in heaven, and because of Jesus, we have somebody who can fill that painful hole inside you that nothing else can fill.

As you head into Father’s Day, spend time both in prayer, asking God to show you places in your heart that He can heal, and talk to your wife about how you’re feeling. If you don’t know what you want to do, share that with her. If she wants to celebrate you, ask how she plans on doing that. Maybe let her. If you go through the whole day and nobody says anything, let that go too… others may not know how to handle it with you. 

In the end, you have to focus on the fact that you are indeed a father; you’re worth celebrating. Shoot, you’re even worth dying for. Spend time with Jesus, and he will help you through the awkwardness of Father’s Day.

Praying for you this Father’s Day.