3 Tips for Handling Holidays After Loss for Men
We pray that you have a great, supportive community with you and your wife as you hang out with people over the holiday. If you run into some snags, we’ve gathered these ideas to help you navigate difficult people, tough conversations, and your crazy Aunt Linda (we all have one, it seems!) These tools could be particularly helpful after losing a child, but implementing these ideas could be beneficial for your marriage at any time.
Predetermine Your Length of Stay
Let’s get very practical quickly. Predetermine your length of stay with your wife. Do this before you commit to your hosts if possible. When you’re both in a relatively stable place, have an open, honest, and honoring conversation with each other. Eliminate the guesswork by leaving when you say you’re going to leave, even if the party is hopping or you’re both feeling okay.
2. Preload Any Potentially Hard Personalities
Preload your hosts or any difficult personalities if you know you’re walking into unhealthy or hurtful situations. The easiest way is through a simple text. Things like:
Hey, We’re excited to be with you on Thanksgiving. Just to let you know, we’re still processing our miscarriage. We plan on joining you for lunch and for an hour after, but we will be leaving by ?? so we can head home.
Or
Hey, I just wanted to tell you that my wife and I are still dealing with the loss of the baby. Please trust that God is continuing to speak to us through this time. Please keep praying for us but I respectfully request that you don’t give us unsolicited advice… Thanks for understanding.
3. Practice Using a Code Word
Practice using a code word. Incorporating a pre-determined code word into a conversation escalates an individual’s need without letting others know. Something like:
Honey, will you help me in the kitchen pretty please?
Babe, will you pretty please tell them the story about…
You can even use a code word as a protection tactic. Let’s say all the women want to go shopping and your wife really doesn’t want to go. “Babe, can I pretty please go shopping with the ladies?” You can use “pretty please” in this instance to step in and say no to protect your spouse. Choose your code word together and practice it. Then, when you hear that word, hear it and honor each other.
Bonus Tip: Know When It’s Time To Go
Here’s a bonus thought: Know when it’s time to go. This is different than the pre-determined leaving time mentioned above. You may have a plan in place, but there could be people or situations beyond salvaging and your wife needs to come first. When it’s time to go, step in and gracefully remove her or you from the situation. If either of you is uncomfortable, you’ll need to be the one to step in and stop it. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do is leave.
Use these tools as a starting point to prepare for the holidays. More than anything, focus your attention on your wife. What she needs, provide it for her. Soon enough, you’ll be home and back into your life rhythms. Stability, familiarity, and structure may be what she needs to keep on processing her grief. Connect and use some of these ideas to start a conversation with your wife and make it through the holidays.
If you’re needing more practical advice or tips, let me know. You can text me directly but texting “Men” to 719-626-8486. Once you confirm your info, we’ll be connected and can chat about practical things like this.
Make sure you take the ideas I just shared and discuss them with your wife. I promise it’ll bring you closer and your communication will get better. Just you being here learning how to listen to Holy Spirit better is a critical and important next step in your healing journey. Keep going and make sure you tell your wife some of your thoughts.
Happy Holidays!
