Friendship During Grief

Grief is ugly and it is hard. It is overwhelming and consuming for the person walking through it, but also terrifying for the friends watching on the outside. “How do I help?” “What do I do?” “How do I help them through this?” All good questions, but hard ones to answer.

We have two factors at work here - the first is that our society doesn’t know how to grieve well. We want to rush through it or sweep it under the rug and save it for another day.  But that can truly be one of the worst decisions you make. Because by sweeping our grief under the rug, you are allowing it to sit and fester- like an untreated wound.  You will trip over that grief until you decide to pull back that rug, irrigate the wound, and heal! Whew, that’s hard and brave work!

The second factor is that we are all different.  This is a beautiful gift the Creator has given us, but it can make walking alongside a grieving friend a bit of a challenge. 

Personally, I am a verbal processor! I like to ask questions to many friends, get their input, and then assemble the data and make a decision for myself.  But when I was walking through grief after losing our daughter, Cora, I didn’t want to talk to anyone! I didn’t want your advice, I didn’t want your sympathy, I didn’t want anything. Whew - not only did that catch me off guard, but also my husband!  It took time for me to decide I needed to process with friends and loved ones, but up until that point, all words of sympathy fell on deaf ears.

So what was helpful during those early days? People reached out and showed up in many different ways and looking back, I love to see how people loved us in their unique ways.  

Below is a list of tangible things you can do for a grieving friend and words of encouragement you can speak over them.  But fear not, there is also a list of things to avoid saying!

Tangible Acts:

• Sending meals, meal cards, and gift cards

  • While we loved having home cooked meals in the first weeks after losing Cora, it was nice to get a giftcard or Grubhub card so we could get out to a restaurant or eat comfort food!

• Money

  • I know most of us tense up a bit at the thought of sending money, but this was such a huge blessing for our family. We were faced with a huge cost for planning our daughter’s funeral including securing a plot and headstone.  It is amazing how much that all costs and then receiving medical bills on top.  As a young married couple in their 20’s, we never dreamed about setting aside money for this type of situation. Those who donated money to funeral costs will never truly understand the burden they lifted from our shoulders!

• Momentos

  • Anything with my daughter’s name and birthdate on it brought me to my knees in gratitude! “They said her name”, “They remember her”! These were the thoughts that raced through my mind and continued to bless me for years to come.  It has been 4 years since our daughter went to heaven and I still look at those pieces of jewelry and Christmas ornaments and remember exactly who gave them to us. It is a gift that keeps on blessing

• Just Be

  • As Kelsi and I were walking through some of our darker days of grief, we had a dear friend who although hadn’t been through the type of loss we were experiencing, sat with us and just let us cry and be angry and frankly, word vomit on her! I didn’t realize it at the moment, but in hindsight I realize what a gift she was to us! She didn’t try to fix anything, she didn’t get frustrated that we weren’t “over it” by a certain time, and she could keep up with a conversation starting in one place and ending with us in tears. Grief is a whirlwind with no map, but being that friend or partner that can just sit and be is priceless!

• Offers to help

  • Please don’t ask a grieving parent to let you know what you can do to help them. I promise you they will never ask! Instead, approach it like this: sned a message or call and give them three options of things you want to do for them (Example: laundry, dishes, grocery shopping) and let them pick one. This takes all the guilt off of their shoulders because they know these are things that you are ok with doing and want to do!

What To Say:

• Their name

  • This is huge! One of the biggest fears parents have after losing a baby is that people will forget or pretend it didn’t happen. Say their baby's name and say it often! Mom’s and Dad’s love to hear that name!

• Acknowledging Special Dates

  • Every year on Cora’s birth date I receive texts from family and friends telling us they are praying for us or remembering sweet Cora.  These messages range from “praying for you today as we remember sweet Cora”, “Cora-I will always say her name”, “thinking about Cora dancing in heaven with Jesus today”. Set a reminder in your phone to call or text on special occasions and you will continue to bless a mom and dad’s heart!

• Know that you aren’t alone

  • Even if you haven’t walked through loss, it is important to remind your friend that there are resources available and people out there that want to walk through this season with them. Kelsi and I are two of those people! Direct them to us and then stay.with.them! Don’t pass them off, but commit to being in the trenches with them

What Not To Say:

• God needed them in heaven

  • Frankly, not biblically true at all. God needs and wants for nothing. He does not need us, but he longs to spend eternity with him in heaven. So to say to a parent that God needed their baby in heaven is saying that God made a mistake and didn’t care how we as parents felt, but that his emotions and feelings were all that mattered.  Not true. (Psalms 92:15)

• You can have more

  • Tomorrow isn’t promised to us. These words are ones of false hope and aren’t biblical. We don't know what tomorrow holds and therefore can’t promise tomorrow to anyone. (Proverbs 27:1)

• At least you can get pregnant

  • Whew, talk about a backhanded comment. One the one side “yay because you can get pregnant” on the other side “but you couldn’t keep it”. These words sting and instead of pointing out the positive, point out what the grieving parent doesn’t have in their arms

It can be overwhelming to walk alongside a friend that is grieving, but thank you for caring to do so! Your friend needs you now, more than ever! Give them the time they need to work through the loads of emotions they’re going through, but also be in prayer for them. 

The enemy wants nothing more than to keep us isolated and stuck in our grief, but there are forces greater than he! God is a good god and a big god. He isn’t overwhelmed by our feelings, he doesn’t want to rush us through anything, but he wants to sit and be with us. Pray for your friend and ask the Father how he wants you to support your friend!