Pain Amidst the Holidays
WARNING: Real post ahead. #realtalk
The food, the lights, the decor, the celebration…all words used to describe the joy and celebration around the Holiday season. The anticipation of being with family and friends, trying to be thankful, opening gifts all while layering on a thick mask just to hide the pain. A feeling I know all too well.
10 years ago on Thanksgiving, we found out we were expecting our first child. We were barely married a little over a year, and the thought of being pregnant turned from “wow, are we ready?”, to “what a gift! I can’t believe we’re going to be parents!” It was amazing how quickly my heart melted into the idea of becoming a Mother. I remember going around the family dinner table that Thanksgiving and hearing from everyone what they were thankful for. My sweet husband allowed me to share our joyous news with the group. When it came to me I said, “I’m thankful for the love of this family for us and the newest addition to our house, coming next year!” I was elated.
After calling more friends and family, we decided to announce the pregnancy via our yearly Christmas cards. The day after the cards were sent off to their destinations, we went in for our first ultrasound and doctor’s appointment. We would have been right at the second-trimester mark; the safe zone. Unfortunately, I learned a lot about feeling safe that day when the tech never discovered my baby’s heartbeat. After a D&C, I went home in the worst pain I’ve ever experienced in my life, both physically and emotionally. I went in pregnant and came out, not. What a trip.
That next week I survived Christmas. I was numb, callous, and completely detached from any ounce of celebration. The mask I was wearing couldn’t have been painted on thicker. As a Christian, Christmas is a big holiday for us and our family. I tried to muster up feelings of joy and thankfulness of Jesus’s birth and God coming to earth in the form of a baby, but all I could think about what the death of mine. This was the first of five children that I have in Heaven; the first to know me as Mom.
Sometimes the first holiday season isn’t the worst. As you prepare for the season, you not only grieve your baby, but you grieve the memories that you “should” be making. Stocking hanging, ornament making, matching pj’s, all the pictures, etc. It’s tons of little opportunities of secondary grief, knowing what isn’t there. Then you see other friends celebrating and having a good time. Did they forget what you walked through? How dare they be joyous. These were all thoughts then and thoughts that still come and go through the years.
In my grief journey, I had to go on a pursuit of asking God what true redemption and restoration is. When we discovered we were pregnant with our son Lennox in 2020 after the stillbirth of our other son Whitson in 2018, I was told that God was redeeming Whitson’s death by giving us another son. I held on to that as if it were a promise from God. I deserved it after what we had to go through. After Lennox went to be with Jesus and his other siblings, I was so angry at God. I mean, angry folks. I was suicidal and was ready to truly give God the middle finger. I wondered why a good “God” would allow this to happen yet again. What could I possibly be doing wrong; has he turned his back on our family? In my pursuit, I learned that redemption has only ever come in the form of one baby, and that is Jesus. Once a baby, he grew up to be a sinless man who gave everything for me on a cross so that one day I can wake up and be with Him. Then shortly after, my children will come running up to me saying, “MOM! You made it, we’re so glad you here!”. Then ALL will be revealed.
Holidays are going to be painful. But with the help of Jesus and community, they can still be celebrated. Knowing that, here are a few tips to try and ease the pain going into the holiday season:
Prepare - (mentally, physically, and spiritually) Consider what you’ll be doing, who you’ll be with, and where you will be. What are the triggers going to be? Who is your safe person, is it your spouse? Have a safe word that only they know. This way, when a painful moment happens, your person will know you need to be rescued. That might be getting air outside, or just leaving. Both are okay.
Give yourself grace. After a loss, you experience emotions by the millions, sometimes at the very same time. The holidays can provoke even more emotion. Hold plans loosely and know that you have the right to change them at any time. Anyone who knows what you’ve been through, will and should understand. While not staying alone and silent is wise, you may just not be ready. We give you full permission to say, “No”, which by the way, is a full sentence and complete answer.
Events - If you don’t know if you will attend an event, only tentatively reply. Feel free to give the host the brief explanation of, “I just don’t know if we are ready for it but I appreciate you thinking of us”. Have a script ready and discuss with your spouse what you want/don’t want to disclose.
Honor your child - whether you light a candle, have an ornament dedicated to them, implement special traditions, etc. No matter how you choose to remember and honor your child during the holidays, is RIGHT FOR YOU! There is no right or wrong way. Pray about it and ask God to reveal to you how to best honor them.
Where to put the pain - Tell God the pain that you are specifically experiencing during the holidays. Cry out to Him! He is big enough to take all of your feelings, including anger, sadness, jealousy, even feelings of guilt when moments of joy occur. Pain and joy co-existing can happen as God allows you to process your thoughts and emotions. He didn’t do this to you. But if you lean into Him and trust Him with it, He will reveal himself to you and allow you to experience such rich, intimacy with Him.
Focus on the reason for these holidays.
Thanksgiving: being truly thankful for what God has given us including our children, and who He continues to be in our lives. Thank Him for His faithfulness to us even in the midst of heartache and pain. If you have never done a gratitude practice, this is a great time to start.
Christmas: God coming to earth in flesh, as a baby- the most innocent of beings. Picture the angel coming to Mary saying, “Fear not, for God is with you and has dreamed you worthly of carrying the Son of man! Picture God telling you that YOU are worthy and because of the Hope of salvation, you have the gift of eternity with Him in Heaven, and the assurance of knowing where your baby is. Focus on His love for you and let Him walk you through this season.Matthew 1:21 - “She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus because he will save his people from their sins”.
Because of Jesus’s birth, death on a cross, and resurrection, we have the hope of Heaven. This free gift is available to you today. Text us at 719-626-8486, as we’d love to tell you more.
