“Mayhem in Miscarriage” - Jessica’s Story

For the past three years, Jessica Gagnon has been a faithful part of the Foreknown community, serving with such empathy and intention alongside our social media team. Her heart for grieving mamas is evident in every post she shares, every comment she leaves, and every prayer she lifts up. But beyond her service, Jessica carries a deeply personal story—one of love, loss, and unwavering faith. Today, we honor her journey and the precious life of her "baby B" by sharing a beautiful and heartfelt poem she wrote in the midst of her grief. May her words bring comfort and hope to every mama walking this path. Thank you for sharing your story and heart with all of us Jess.

Jessica writes…
”A poem I wrote to pour out my soul and heal during and after my miscarriage at 10 weeks in May 2022. This picture is of a lantern fest we did years ago, but I think it is such a powerful image of all the miscarriages out there. All of us letting go of our little lights full of hopes and dreams and watching them float up to the sky. Fly high Baby B.

Little Baby B

7 months it took to finally find you 
The faint double line told me it was true

Anxiety started the very next day 
When another double line seemed to be fading away

Deciding to put my worries aside for a while
I put my hope in the multiple tests that said there was a child 

The weeks went on and no period came 
Symptoms from my first seemed to be the same 

Then came the dreaded sickness I remembered
The hope and knowledge of 2nd trimester was now what I treasured 

Nauseous and not myself all day for weeks on end 
I couldn’t wait for my sickness to finally mend 

Only a couple more weeks I thought in my head
Until I feel like myself and the days I won’t dread

Then came the first appointment to see you little one 
I had no idea of all that was about to come undone

Nervous walking into the office, surprisingly not very excited 
Maybe God was preparing me for the pain that was about to be ignited 

Just seconds it took for the tech to decide 
That instead we had to try to find you inside 

The moment I knew she had trouble finding you 
Everything inside me wanted it not to be true 

“Your weeks are definitely off” she said with no hesitation 
As if we had been wrong when giving our information

You measured as if you were almost a month behind 
But you had a strong heartbeat and movement she did find

I knew deep down that something was wrong 
The dates of everything just did not go along 

Sitting in the waiting room for our follow up appointment 
My entire being was being rocked by this shocking disappointment 

Finally as we sat with the doctor in the uninviting room 
His worry about the dates confirmed the dreaded gloom 

His answers were honest, his words gentle and kind 
When he said it’s in God’s hands it slightly eased my mind 

I knew he was right and that we had to just wait 
To see what God decided about your sweet fate 

The doctor said he’d like to see us in a week 
To see if you had grown, the answer we must seek 

That week was the hardest and longest of my life 
My mind was filled with racing anxiety and strife 

Mother’s Day came and went filling my heart with emotion 
It was hard to find full joy in the day when my mind was in commotion 

Finally, the day had come to journey back to the space
Where everything we had hoped for had been misplaced 

I prayed hard for our favorite ultrasound tech
For the last one was not thoughtful, insensitive and blech 

There was the one I prayed for calling my name to come in
My heart was so glad for this already was a win

Again you were too small to see
She had to go in and see how you would be 

Only a few days it showed you had grown 
I still saw your little form from what was shown 

And then came the words we were dreading to hear
“I’m so sorry I can’t find the heartbeat my dear”

Immediately I broke down into a puddle of tears 
Coming true, one of my biggest of fears 

After a moment alone for daddy and I to talk  
Our favorite nurse met us in the hallway to walk 

She squeezed me with her compassion and love 
She was like our very own angel sent from above 

We got to the office where the doc met us there 
Another kind face to show us sensitivity and care 

He expressed his sympathy handling us so dear
And in our conversation I was so glad he was here 

We talked about God and His plans that may not be understood 
But agreed that after time we can see it’s all for our good 

The doc shared some of his own heartache and story 
And we talked about how all the hard can still reveal God’s glory 

My goodness, God knew what I needed on this day 
To see these three faces to help ease some of the pain away

Gratefulness is what overflows from my heart 
This piece of my story they will always be a sweet part 

The days ahead of us I knew would be tough 
The thought of breaking the news over and over was rough 

Maybe I shouldn’t have told so many I thought
But we also had an army praying for this battle we fought 

We sat in the car and sent a few texts 
I sobbed as I wrote, and then onto the next 

How is it that the deafening mom guilt already starts 
As soon as even just the idea of you is in our hearts 

Maybe it was that run or that bike ride or maybe it was stress
Maybe I ate something wrong or didn’t follow the rules the very best

Just another waiting game in the days to follow
As my body started the process, but was going so slow

I decided to take the meds the doctor prescribed 
It was such a hard choice to finally decide 

I wasn’t sure how long my body would take on its own 
And I just couldn’t think of it happening when I was alone 

For Ben would be gone in just another day 
I knew I had to get it done before he went away 

It happened much faster than I had been assuming
This traumatic part of the process in my head that had been looming

The pain was unreal, almost like laboring pains 
And along with it came the dreaded crimson red stains

It’s as if my body was matching the ache of my soul
And now they both could together unite as a whole 

Finally almost out of the blue 
What the doctor described I think came true 

My body just felt a massive relief 
Although there would still be much more grief 

I decided to go see if the relief meant what I thought
Then out you came, my dear one who had bravely fought 

The feelings were weird and maybe a little numb 
Seeing my dream in the toilet was where we had come 

When I really think about it all it is crushing 
The idea that you are finally gone in one flushing 

Though there was relief that the worst parts were finally done 
I know every day I’m going to think of you dear one 

The days to follow would bring grief in waves
Every little trigger would make my heart cave

Each new abdominal ache, mood swing, each bright red drop 
Would again remind me of what just came to a stop.

Three different pregnancy apps I had to go to 
To click I’ve had a loss to end the tracking of you

Thrown onto the pregnancy packet from the nurse 
Each piece of trash fell just making the aches worse 

Your big brother runs around no idea what’s going on
Not knowing that mommy and daddy’s dream is now gone 

You were a fighter for a bit we got to briefly see
But now I hope your soul is running wild and free

You are kept safe in the hands of the Lord
And our love for you will push us forward 

To dream once again of a precious little child
To join our little family and our son so wild 

God has bigger plans that we just can’t yet see
But I believe we’ll be stronger, thanks to you our little Baby B

To listen to Jessica read part of this beautiful poem, visit: https://www.instagram.com/foreknownministries/.