Men, You Can’t Ignore This
When my wife and I were in counseling after losing Lennox, our 5th loss, our fantastic counselors reminded us that there are head people and heart people. Head people are more logical, and heart people are more emotional. In the broadest generalities, men traditionally are head people and women are heart.
I was shocked when after a few sessions I was broadsided by the fact that I am a heart person masquerading as a head person. Who knew I could have emotional tendencies as a man, especially in the world where I was raised?
Now, let me tell you a little more about myself. I was born in 1981. I’m not sure I even have a “generation.” I’m in the middle of a shift from Gen X to Millennial. I share traits of both, and I’d like to say the better traits.
So what does this have to do with my head? I was raised in the 80s when my parents still taught us to be unemotional. I was raised to be tough, resilient, and unemotional. God had other plans. When I met and started to follow Jesus, He and I worked together to chip away at my ridged exterior and learn what it means to be a man, like David in the Bible, after God’s heart.
When you look at the confusing world we live in today, men are trying to be more emotional and women less, and women more logical and men less, but when grief enters the picture, we don’t know how people will respond. We have to be ready for anything. At times, my wife was angry, quiet, loud, sad, happy, scared, emotional, and stoic, and I think I could list every other adjective.
To be honest, I was too.
As men, we cannot understand what our wives go through carrying a child. We aren’t equipped with the right parts. We don’t have maternal instincts. That is for them. When a child dies, within them something happens men will never know. The only way to experience what our wives are going through is to communicate with her and ask.
There are a lot of words in the English language, and there are a few phrases that we don’t utter in our house, no matter the circumstances. These include:
We don’t say “divorce.” God put us together.
We don’t say “go sleep on the couch.” It’s our bed, together.
I can’t under any circumstances, say “what’s your deal?” to my wife.
I want to encourage you to add “get over it” to the list of words you should never say to your wife, especially after losing a child. Not only is that unempathetic, but just, plain, and mean.
In the book of Mark, Jesus says:
““But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” ”
So what does this mean? If your wife is in grief, you’re in grief. If she is in pain, you’re in pain. You don’t leave your knee on the shelf after blowing out an ACL, your whole body takes a seat. Therefore, don’t tell your wife to “get over it.” Lead her through healing and this could be an opportunity to get closer and understand your wife even better.
So how do you do that?
When grief enters your marriage, there can be a natural divide that starts to separate you two. You try to fix it, she wants to cry. Those are opposing emotions. You can’t fix this and she can’t stop crying. OR, if she did stop crying, the dreaded “I’m fine” may come out— watch out. She’s probably not “fine.”
This division, if kept unchecked, is what the enemy can use to mess up your marriage and push you apart. You need to engage here, bro. You need to lead her by being with her. Free up your schedule, and be intentional with her. Sit with her.
Pray with her.
Do it. You can’t “fix” her, only the healing of Jesus can. As He said above, you have to let God continue to be the focal point in your marriage. So, if you don’t pray together, now is the best time to start. He put you together, focus on Him to help you through this.
You have to focus on your body. Take it easy. Rest. All these things you’d do to heal a sports injury are the things you now need to do for and with your wife. It doesn’t feel good when a buddy razzes you and tells you to “walk it off” right after surgery, so don’t tell your wife the same.
Let. This. Heal. And do it through Jesus.
