Losing “It”After 15 Weeks

This past Fall, I started a new job. I felt like it was time to move on from my previous position and this one offered a challenge, a pay increase and a promotion. On day one, I charged ahead, made changes and was operating in my sweet spot. This particular position was challenging given the type of work, size of organization, structure and many other dynamics, but nothing I couldn’t handle. After 15 long weeks, however, I found myself no longer at that position. I was fired. I restructured myself out of a position. I wasn’t what they needed anymore.

In our journey through multiple pregnancy losses and a stillbirth, I’ve been trying to find a way to help men relate to what women feel. As men, we don’t have the physical connection that women do. It’s harder for us to empathize with our wives when she is going through something as hard as losing a child before birth.

Then it hit me, many of the same things that I’ve experienced losing a job after 15 weeks are the same things my wife has experienced losing a child. Think about it— there’s the excitement of landing the job (getting pregnant), changing your LinkedIn Profile (telling everybody and your mother on social media), getting to work, being comfortable and learning the team (doctors, nesting and pregnancy clothes), and then BAM, it all changes.

In the beginning of the Bible, Adam and Eve sin and the repercussions are disastrous. In Genesis 3: 16-19, God shares the curse that men and women will endure. I heard it paraphrased like this: Women will bear children and will want their husbands to validate them. Men will work the ground and want their work to validate them. Both are sins. Both are things our sexes have battled with since. So as men, many times we seek our work to validate us. We want to climb corporate ladders and make more money. You and I both know men that eat, live and breathe their work. Maybe you’re not geared that way, but the American way of life certainly encourages this. Essentially the curse of man after the fall is work. Therefore, when we lose a job either by a fault, failure, layoff or any other sudden change, we lose a piece of who we think we are.

Now imagine you’re a woman and you want to have children. For some, they may have been trying for ages. When a woman loses a child in pregnancy loss, many of the same emotions that you and I experience when we are fired are there. These include:

• Shame

  • Nobody really posts “Hey, today I got fired” on social media. Usually we want to just brush it off, get back on the horse and get another job. We go into the job seeking mode. Why? It’s because we don’t want anybody to know we’re not employed. That’s shame.

  • Sometimes, women experience this same shame after they have lost a child to a pregnancy loss. They don’t want people to know. They take it personal. They feel shameful that for whatever reason, they weren’t able to help that child.

• Failure

  • Sometimes we lose jobs because we made a mistake. If we internalize it, we can feel like a failure. We failed. We lost.

  • When women loses a child, those feelings of failure are very present. They feel like it’s their fault. They second-guess a lot of their habits, diets, activities or a thousand other things that may or may not have been in their control.

• Worth

  • One of the initial thoughts after losing a job are simply “how am I going to provide for my family.” Our lack of faith in these times can force us to over-act instead of realizing that provision comes from God. We try to internalize that our “worth” to our family is the income we bring. That’s simply not true. It’s no surprise in our culture that many times men equate “worth” with “work.” Think about it, when you meet somebody new, what’s the next question after them learning your name? “What do you do?”

  • Many times women equate “worth” with “womb” or the ability to create, raise and care for children. Ask any young married woman what the next question is after meeting somebody and telling them you’re married. “How many kids do you have?” When a woman has a pregnancy loss of any kind, it challenges a bit of their identity in worth.

So, as men, we naturally have another question in mind after our wives experience a pregnancy loss. “How do we fix it?” Well, we don’t, but I give you four practical ways you can support your spouse in this article.

As men, we are called to lead our wives in good times and bad. You need to be there for her, just like she would be there for you if you lose your job. When I lost my job, this looked like her continuing to work, to be the health insurance provider, to be the breadwinner, and you know what? That’s okay. My worth for my family comes from following what God is doing, leading them to Jesus and focusing on finding something new to do to make money. Caring for your wife after she has lost a child, remember to be gracious with her, serve her, care for her and allow her to heal. She would do the same for you.