Amanda’s Story: “I Just Knew…”

The Martin Family

I was not one who enjoyed being pregnant with our first baby Lucy. I had all-day sickness (not “morning sickness”) for the first 6-7 months of the pregnancy. When Lucy was born I thought it would take me a while to get the courage to try for another baby, but very soon after I found myself actually missing being pregnant (I never ever thought I would say that) and longing for another baby. I believe this was God’s way of telling me that we would have more kids.

When we were able to start trying for another baby, I was excited and somewhat convinced it would happen right away. I just felt like God’s hand was in this and this is what he had planned for our family. In late June, right around Lucy’s first birthday, we got our positive test. We were pregnant! Something just did not feel the same. I was more apprehensive than excited. Even though the stick clearly read “pregnant” I was not convinced. I continued to take several tests and they were not quite getting darker as they did in my previous pregnancy. Then one day, my husband got called off work. He is a critical care nurse, and in the midst of a pandemic, he was called off to be at home for the day. It was odd. He had never taken a call off before that I can remember. That is when I somehow knew. I clearly remember thinking and somehow knowing, “we are going to lose our baby today.” It started that afternoon. There was still hope but it was fading. I had a bible study scheduled for that night and decided to get onto zoom even though I was not sure I wanted to. I was able to share what was going on with a group of my girlfriends and with tears flowing down my face, they prayed over my family and me. We lost our baby the next day. 

I was not that far along, only 6 weeks. I longed for the “all-day sickness” that never came. I would have traded all the discomforts and struggles of pregnancy to have our baby back. I didn’t feel like I had the right to grieve like other moms who lost their babies farther along into their pregnancy. I felt like I had to hold it together and I couldn’t. I wondered if I did something wrong. I wondered if God was punishing my husband and me for previous sins. These I later learned was all lies. 

Isaiah 41: 10 reads, “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Looking back on that day, I can clearly see how God walked alongside me through my miscarriage. He gave me the gift of having my husband home with me. He gave me an intuition that something was going to happen so I was prepared. It happened on a day where I would have the support of my friends through our bible study. I will never understand why one in four women have to go through this, but I do know that God’s plans are bigger than mine. I felt that God was telling me that I was going through this so I could be there for others who are going through a miscarriage and I found peace in that. In Romans 8:28 God says, “ And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” The next month my very good friend called me and told me she lost her baby at 10 weeks. I believe this was what God was preparing me for. I was able to be there for her, empathize with her, grieve alongside her and share my hope with her. I can imagine our babies together with Jesus. 

We now have a picture of Jesus holding a baby in our bedroom. It is a reminder that our baby is with Him in heaven; how amazing is that! I do not know what God has planned for our family. I still have confidence and a great deal of hope that He is telling me our family story is not over. For the time being, I will rest in this hope. “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

He has taught me to trust in His timing and His plans for our family. He has shown me his love and made it clear that he was walking with me alongside this loss. I am confident that He is telling us that our story is not finished. I still grieve and get impatient, but I also have seen how His timing and plans have been far greater than mine during other times in my life and I find hope in that. The picture of Jesus holding a baby has been a comforter for me also.